When Fear Becomes Your Shadow
Every time the phone rings, your heart stops. For just a moment, time freezes as you wonder: "Is this the call? The one that changes everything?"
This is the reality for parents of children struggling with mental health challenges and substance use disorders. It's a special kind of vigilance—a hyperawareness that never fully recedes, even in moments of apparent calm.
Living in the Shadow of Fear
So many parents are living in constant fear—fear that their child will choose to end their life, fear of an overdose, fear that their child will choose homelessness over recovery, fear that the illness that has taken hold will never loosen its grip.
A father of a 19-year-old battling psychosis sends countless texts to his son's therapeutic team. His voice trembles with desperation as he shares anything that might help save his son.
A mother confides, "I just want to get him to his 18th birthday. It's a real possibility that he will be in jail or dead by then."
I know this terrain all too well. I've been in that position with my own son. Though he is in a good place now, I've received those terrifying calls from physicians alerting me that they weren't sure my son would make it through the night.
What Chronic Fear Does to Us
Living in a perpetual state of fear erodes the spirit. Many parents develop a protective shell they believe might shield them from the unimaginable loss of a child. This armor comes at a cost: physical symptoms, emotional exhaustion, social isolation, and forgetting who you are beyond this all-consuming worry.
Finding Light in the Darkness
Yet even in this landscape of fear, there is hope. Real, tangible hope that isn't just wishful thinking.
One of the most powerful moments came when a therapist, an insightful and thoughtful man in his 30’s with a wife and 6 month old beautiful baby-boy, looked at my client's father and said, "Yup, my mother used to fear the same things about me. And it's so meaningful to me that I'm now on the other side, helping you and your son, and providing you with hope." This glimpse of someone who had walked through the darkness and emerged empowered to help others was worth more than a thousand reassurances.
Hope Lives in Connection
No parent should walk this path alone. I remain connected with some of the parents that I first met in my support group, when my son was in treatment 12 years ago – one of them I consider a “true bestie” and we’ve navigated the ups and downs together. Finding others who understand—truly understand and can be vulnerable with you—can be transformative through challenging times. You, too, will find support in :
Parent support groups for families affected by mental illness and addiction. We recommend, OPLM.
Individual therapy to process your grief and trauma
DBT training for parents
Family Intensives
Perhaps most difficult but most essential is learning to care for yourself
with the same tenderness you show your child.
Sometimes There are Unexpected Gifts
Recovery isn't always linear—for your child or for you. But healing is possible. My own journey with my son has taught me this truth. After those harrowing nights when I wasn't sure if he would survive, we have found our way to a better place.
In my relationship with him today, our conversations are reciprocal, grounded in love and connection, and centered on our continued growth as humans. Lately, we've been co-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book on Fear and discussing it together. I recommend this practice to you! Finding shared wisdom and exploring it together has become one of the unexpected gifts on the other side of crisis.
A Final Thought
I've learned that loving my child doesn't mean I have to suffer endlessly. Reaching out to others for support, doing my own inner work, and accepting that my child's journey is ultimately their own helped me find moments of peace. When I honored both our separate paths, I became present without being consumed by fear. Perhaps you might find relief in this approach too.
If you're struggling and need support, please reach out for resources: jennifer@teamcrossbridge.com
